Yankees to spend $72 billion this offseason
By Billy O’Douchebag
Staff Writer, New York Post

Last year the Yankees spent $423 million to sign big free agent names like C.C. Sabathia, A.J. Burnett and Mark Teixeira. But this offseason, their plans are even far more ambitious.

According to Yankees front office sources, the Yankees plan to sign every free agent on the market this year, thus leaving the other 29 teams in baseball scrambling to find enough warm bodies to field a team.

“You think just because we won a World Series this year that we are going to rest on our laurels…our overpriced and self-absorbed laurels?” asked Yankees GM and satanic consigliere Brian Cashman. “Fugetaboudit.”

The cost of this ambitious enterprise is estimated to be around $72 billion, most of which will be paid for by funds from the economic stimulus bill Congress passed earlier this year. A senior congressional source said of the plan: “Would you rather have tax payer dollars propping up Bear Stearns? We thought this would be a much better way to get the economy going again.”

Once the Yankees have signed every free agent on the market, the team will have some difficult personnel decisions to make. The team has already informed outfielders Johnny Damon and Nick Swisher that they will be sent down to AA Trenton.

“I think I am talented enough to stay with the big league club, but I understand where the front office is coming from,” said Damon. “I mean we lost 59 games this season, and that is just unacceptable.”

Given the lack of room in the minor league system, most other players signed to the organization in the next few weeks will be told to stay home during the season.

“It’s been the federal government’s policy to pay farmers not to farm for over a half century. We just decided to apply that principle to baseball,” said Cashman. “If we didn’t take these steps, these free agents would sign with other teams and drastically undercut our ability to win next year.”

The reaction from the rest of the baseball world was mixed. The Boston Red Sox released a statement decrying the evil empire’s attempt to monopolize the baseball talent market. The Washington Nationals, however, shrugged off any hostility.

Reached for comment, Washington GM Mike Rizzo said, “Our owners are too damn cheap to sign any of these free agents, so it doesn’t really affect us. In fact, we view this as an opportunity. We are going to hold open tryouts to join our team. When the 1976 Philadelphia Eagles held open tryouts, they won four games that year, which would be a vast improvement over recent performance for our ballclub.”

There is one, and only one, reason to watch the Nats this weekend. They’ve already locked up the number one spot in the Bryce Harper Sweepstakes. So why in the world would I tell anyone to watch their meaningless games? Because they aren’t meaningless you pretentious jerk. This weekend the coolest streak in sports is on the line.

Heading into a four-game, season-ending series in Atlanta Adam Dunn has 38 homers for the season. In 2005 he hit 40 HRs for the Reds. In ’06 he hit 40 HRs for the Reds. In ’07 he hit 40 HRs for the Reds. In ’08 he mixed things up and hit 32 homers for the Reds then got traded to Arizona and hit eight there for a total of 40. Now in his first season in Washington he needs two homers this weekend to finish with exactly 40 home runs for a fifth straight season. So watch jerk.

With a Nats victory last night and a Pirates loss, the Nats’ magic number in the Bryce Harper Sweepstakes Race remains at one. If the Nats win five more and the Pirates lose their last six, they will tie. The Orioles extended their losing streak to 12 games, but being six games back with five games to go, they remain one game shy of the possibility of catching the Nats.

After Tuesday’s games, the standings:
The Bryce Harper Sweepstakes Race
Team     Record              GB     STRK  To Reach 59-103
Nats     54-103    .344        –          W2          5-0    1.000
Pitts      59-97      .378       5.5       L1            0-6      .000
Orioles 60-97      .382        6          L12 Eliminated

The Nats’ magic number in the Bryce Harper Sweepstakes Race is now one. One more loss for the Nats or one more win for the Pirates and it’s over. The Nats won Monday, but the Pirates are on a two-game win streak, blowing their chances.

Meanwhile, despite a valiant 11-game losing streak, the Orioles have been eliminated. They simply won too many games before their streak. The Nats and Orioles both have six games remaining and Baltimore is seven games behind. The Pirates have seven games left and are 6.5 games back. Only if the Nats win their remaining six and Pittsburgh loses its remaining seven could they tie with the Nats.

Although the Nats improved to .391 (27-42) under interim manager Jim Riggleman, their solid .299 (26-61) start under Manny Acta was enough to keep it out of reach for all the other teams.

Riggleman, a graduate of Rockville’s Richard Montgomery High School, alma mater of Suckafish, has earned a contract as the full-time manager.

After Monday’s games, the standings:
The Bryce Harper Sweepstakes Race
Team     Record              GB     STRK  To Reach 59-103
Nats     53-103    .340        –          W1         6-0     1.000
Pitts      59-96      .381       6.5       W2          0-7      .000
Orioles 60-96   .385        7          L11 Eliminated

For the second straight year the Natinals have lost more than 100 games, reaching the 100 mark Thursday and 101 Friday night to move within one of last year’s 102. They are only the fourth team in 25 years to accomplish the double-triple.

But have heart, struggling Nats fans. The Devil Rays lost 100 in 2001 and 106 in 2002. Six years later, after coming to Jesus and renaming themselves the Rays, they made it to the World Series in 2008. And the Tigers lost 225 games in 2002-03, but turned in a 95-67 record three years later. On the other hand, the 2004-05 Royals lost 210 games and only improved to 75-87 three years later. And so far this year they’re 63-91 with a chance to reach 99 losses.

After the signing of Stephen Strasburg, the best pitching prospect in a generation, and the probability of next year’s signing of Bryce Harper, possibly the best-ever-position-player draftee, the Nats have great hopes.

See my Top 5 Reasons for Nats Fans to be Optimistic.

The Pirates and Orioles are turning in Herculean efforts to catch the Nats in the Bryce Harper Sweepstakes, but it’s almost impossible now. After losing six in a row, the Pirates won Friday. The Orioles have lost an impressive eight straight, but even if they lost their remaining nine for a 17-game losing streak, the Nats would have to go 8-1 for the O’s to tie it. Pittsburgh’s win put them back to 5.5 behind with 10 games to go, meaning they would have to lose seven to tie an 8-1 Nats finish.

Cleveland and Kansas City have been eliminated. If they both lost every game and the Nats won all nine, they still couldn’t catch Washington. The Indians did all they could, too, going 1-9 in their last 10, but it wasn’t enough. And even with their current three-game losing streak, the Royals, who were once in second place, have fallen 11.5 games back with eight to go.

After Friday’s games, the standings:

The Bryce Harper Sweepstakes Race
Team     Record              GB   STRK    To Reach 60-102
Nats      52-101    .340        –         L2           8-1       .889
Pitts      57-95      .375       5.5       W1         3-7        .300
O’s        60-93      .392        8          L8         0-9        .000

The clock is ticking and the Pirates can’t gain any ground on the Nats, who keeping on matching Pittsburgh loss for loss.

After Saturday’s games, the standings:

The Bryce Harper Sweepstakes Race
Team     Record              GB   STRK    To Reach 60-102
Nats      51-97    .345        –       L1           9-5       .643
Pitts      56-90   .384       6        L1         4-12       .250
KC         60-88   .405      9        L1         0-14       .000
O’s        60-88   .405      9        L3         0-14       .000

While the Pirates are making a valiant effort with three straight losses, the Nats kept pace with three of their own. With 16 games remaining, the Nats lead is now six games over the Pirates. If Pittsburgh lost their final 18 games for a season ending 21 game streak, the Nats would still only have to lose 12 of 16 to win the race, and they could do that even if they tried to win them all.

After Thursday’s games, the standings:

The Bryce Harper Sweepstakes Race
Team     Record              GB   STRK    To Reach 60-102
Nats      50-96   .342        –       L3       10-6       .625
Pitts      55-89   .382       6        L3        5-13       .278
KC         59-87   .404       9        W1       1-15       .063
O’s         60-86   .411      10        L1       0-16       .000

If there is a God, He – or She – must have created baseball to teach the vast majority of Americans to learn how to cope with year-in-year-out disappointment and still live with hope. Red Sox fans kept hope alive and eventually cast off their curse. The Cubs always have next year. And Washington has … 1924.

Yankees fans don’t have to worry. They only have to wait a few years from time to time before they’re able to buy the World Series again. But God is only toying with them because they’re all going to Hell anyway.

But hope springs eternal, so we give you the Top 5 Reasons for Nats Fans to be Optimistic.

5. It can’t get worse than 2009.

In fact, the second half of the season wasn’t so bad by comparison. Under Manny Acta, the Nats were 26-61, .299. Since Jim Riggleman took over they have soared to a 24-34 record, .414. Previously on pace to lose 114 games, if they continue on the Riggles .414 pace, they’ll only lose 105. Wooooo Hoooo.

4. Ian Desmond

Look for Desmond to get plenty of playing time after starting his major league career with three straight multiple-hit games, the first player in franchise history to do that. Don’t bet your kid’s college fund on Desmond’s current .588 batting average and his 1.611 OPS continuing into next year, but  he has already turned in great plays at shortstop and second base … and did I mention he can hit?

3. Nyjer Morgan Will be Back

The Pirates did their best to catch the Nats in the Bryce Harper Sweepstakes Race by GIVING us Nyjer. Before his season-ending injury this is how NatsTown, the official Nats blog summed up his early days with the team:

In Morgan’s first month, he set the Nationals (2005-present) record for hits in July (40) and stolen bases in a month (14). Morgan is batting .387 (43-for-111) with six doubles, a triple, a homer, seven RBI, an MLB-best 14 stolen bases and 20 runs scored in 28 games with the Nationals.

When he went on the DL, he had played 49 games for the Nats, hitting .351 with 24 stolen bases and 35 runs scored. In centerfield, Morgan looks like he could cover from foul line to foul line and he runs the basepaths with abandon. And to top it all off, Pirates fans are pissed. Gotta love that.

2. Stephen Strasburg (and other young pitching talent)

Widely believed to be the best young pitching prospect in a generation, Strasburg actually signed with the Nats and seems happy to be coming to DC. And it’s not just his 100+ mph fast ball that tantalizes; it’s the fact that he has control and can hit spots on demand. That kind of speed with great control at 21?

And don’t forget the Nats second first-round pick this year. Drew Storen has already shown he’s a professional in the early stages of his minor league career. Picked number 10 overall, he missed all the hoopla surrounding the Strasburg signing. Storen signed the day after the draft. For a piddling $1.6 million, poor kid. Here’s how he did in his first couple of months, starting at low Class A Hagerstown then moving to high Class A Potomac a month later and to Class AA Harrisburg three weeks later:

[As of late August] Storen is 1-1 with eight saves and a 2.20 ERA in 24 appearances. He’s allowed just seven walks compared with 43 strikeouts, and eight earned runs on 20 hits. He’s holding opposing batters to a .172 average and his WHIP is a stellar 0.83.

John Lannan can be a solid starter and Jordan Zimmermann is expected to recover from Tommy John surgery and be completely ready for the spring of 2011, still only 23. In addition, Garrett Mock, J.D. Martin, and Craig Stammen have all shown the potential to be in the starting rotation.

The bullpen, none of whom was on the Opening Day roster, has been fairly good in the second half of the season and will be better when Storen joins them.

1. Bryce Harper

Dubbed “the chosen one” by Sports Illustrated and called “the LeBron James of baseball,” this phenom has a lot of scouts saying he’s the best 16 year old player they’ve ever scouted. As in EVER.

So good and so young is Bryce Harper, however, that he explodes baseball convention. He has hit the longest home run in the history of Tropicana Field, home of the Tampa Bay Rays, and he did so in January, at age 16, with a blast that would have flown farther than the measured 502 feet had it not smashed off the back wall of the dome. Still only 16, Harper stands 6’3″, weighs 205 pounds, has faster bat speed than Mark McGwire in his prime and runs so fast that he scored on wild pitches six times this season from second base. As a catcher he picks off runners from his knees, and when he pitches, he throws a fastball that has been clocked at 96 mph. He also does volunteer work, holds down a 3.5 grade point average and attends religious education classes nearly every morning before school.

His parents have allowed him to skip his junior and senior years in high school to jump to junior college, where he plans to play baseball for one season and then be eligible for the major league draft.

The Nats still have a commanding lead in the Bryce Harper Sweepstakes Race over the same Pirates they stole Nyjer Morgan from. Harper isn’t the immediate answer to turning the Nats around, but he could be the natural they need to go with Zimmerman, Strasburg, Morgan, Desmond, Dunn, and ZimmermanN.

While they won’t challenge for the pennant in 2010, your Washington Nationals could be a very good young team in 2011.