Posted by TheBigTrain
Yankees to spend $72 billion this offseason
By Billy O’Douchebag
Staff Writer, New York Post
Last year the Yankees spent $423 million to sign big free agent names like C.C. Sabathia, A.J. Burnett and Mark Teixeira. But this offseason, their plans are even far more ambitious.
According to Yankees front office sources, the Yankees plan to sign every free agent on the market this year, thus leaving the other 29 teams in baseball scrambling to find enough warm bodies to field a team.
“You think just because we won a World Series this year that we are going to rest on our laurels…our overpriced and self-absorbed laurels?” asked Yankees GM and satanic consigliere Brian Cashman. “Fugetaboudit.”
The cost of this ambitious enterprise is estimated to be around $72 billion, most of which will be paid for by funds from the economic stimulus bill Congress passed earlier this year. A senior congressional source said of the plan: “Would you rather have tax payer dollars propping up Bear Stearns? We thought this would be a much better way to get the economy going again.”
Once the Yankees have signed every free agent on the market, the team will have some difficult personnel decisions to make. The team has already informed outfielders Johnny Damon and Nick Swisher that they will be sent down to AA Trenton.
“I think I am talented enough to stay with the big league club, but I understand where the front office is coming from,” said Damon. “I mean we lost 59 games this season, and that is just unacceptable.”
Given the lack of room in the minor league system, most other players signed to the organization in the next few weeks will be told to stay home during the season.
“It’s been the federal government’s policy to pay farmers not to farm for over a half century. We just decided to apply that principle to baseball,” said Cashman. “If we didn’t take these steps, these free agents would sign with other teams and drastically undercut our ability to win next year.”
The reaction from the rest of the baseball world was mixed. The Boston Red Sox released a statement decrying the evil empire’s attempt to monopolize the baseball talent market. The Washington Nationals, however, shrugged off any hostility.
Reached for comment, Washington GM Mike Rizzo said, “Our owners are too damn cheap to sign any of these free agents, so it doesn’t really affect us. In fact, we view this as an opportunity. We are going to hold open tryouts to join our team. When the 1976 Philadelphia Eagles held open tryouts, they won four games that year, which would be a vast improvement over recent performance for our ballclub.”