Yankees to spend $72 billion this offseason

Posted by TheBigTrain

Yankees to spend $72 billion this offseason
By Billy O’Douchebag
Staff Writer, New York Post

Last year the Yankees spent $423 million to sign big free agent names like C.C. Sabathia, A.J. Burnett and Mark Teixeira. But this offseason, their plans are even far more ambitious.

According to Yankees front office sources, the Yankees plan to sign every free agent on the market this year, thus leaving the other 29 teams in baseball scrambling to find enough warm bodies to field a team.

“You think just because we won a World Series this year that we are going to rest on our laurels…our overpriced and self-absorbed laurels?” asked Yankees GM and satanic consigliere Brian Cashman. “Fugetaboudit.”

The cost of this ambitious enterprise is estimated to be around $72 billion, most of which will be paid for by funds from the economic stimulus bill Congress passed earlier this year. A senior congressional source said of the plan: “Would you rather have tax payer dollars propping up Bear Stearns? We thought this would be a much better way to get the economy going again.”

Once the Yankees have signed every free agent on the market, the team will have some difficult personnel decisions to make. The team has already informed outfielders Johnny Damon and Nick Swisher that they will be sent down to AA Trenton.

“I think I am talented enough to stay with the big league club, but I understand where the front office is coming from,” said Damon. “I mean we lost 59 games this season, and that is just unacceptable.”

Given the lack of room in the minor league system, most other players signed to the organization in the next few weeks will be told to stay home during the season.

“It’s been the federal government’s policy to pay farmers not to farm for over a half century. We just decided to apply that principle to baseball,” said Cashman. “If we didn’t take these steps, these free agents would sign with other teams and drastically undercut our ability to win next year.”

The reaction from the rest of the baseball world was mixed. The Boston Red Sox released a statement decrying the evil empire’s attempt to monopolize the baseball talent market. The Washington Nationals, however, shrugged off any hostility.

Reached for comment, Washington GM Mike Rizzo said, “Our owners are too damn cheap to sign any of these free agents, so it doesn’t really affect us. In fact, we view this as an opportunity. We are going to hold open tryouts to join our team. When the 1976 Philadelphia Eagles held open tryouts, they won four games that year, which would be a vast improvement over recent performance for our ballclub.”

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The Coolest Streak in Sports Is on the Line

Posted by SuckaFish

There is one, and only one, reason to watch the Nats this weekend. They’ve already locked up the number one spot in the Bryce Harper Sweepstakes. So why in the world would I tell anyone to watch their meaningless games? Because they aren’t meaningless you pretentious jerk. This weekend the coolest streak in sports is on the line.

Heading into a four-game, season-ending series in Atlanta Adam Dunn has 38 homers for the season. In 2005 he hit 40 HRs for the Reds. In ’06 he hit 40 HRs for the Reds. In ’07 he hit 40 HRs for the Reds. In ’08 he mixed things up and hit 32 homers for the Reds then got traded to Arizona and hit eight there for a total of 40. Now in his first season in Washington he needs two homers this weekend to finish with exactly 40 home runs for a fifth straight season. So watch jerk.

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Nats’ Magic Number Stalled at One

Posted by KilgoreTroutIII

With a Nats victory last night and a Pirates loss, the Nats’ magic number in the Bryce Harper Sweepstakes Race remains at one. If the Nats win five more and the Pirates lose their last six, they will tie. The Orioles extended their losing streak to 12 games, but being six games back with five games to go, they remain one game shy of the possibility of catching the Nats.

After Tuesday’s games, the standings:
The Bryce Harper Sweepstakes Race
Team     Record              GB     STRK  To Reach 59-103
Nats     54-103    .344        –          W2          5-0    1.000
Pitts      59-97      .378       5.5       L1            0-6      .000
Orioles 60-97      .382        6          L12 Eliminated

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Nats’ Magic Number is One; O’s Eliminated

Posted by KilgoreTroutIII

The Nats’ magic number in the Bryce Harper Sweepstakes Race is now one. One more loss for the Nats or one more win for the Pirates and it’s over. The Nats won Monday, but the Pirates are on a two-game win streak, blowing their chances.

Meanwhile, despite a valiant 11-game losing streak, the Orioles have been eliminated. They simply won too many games before their streak. The Nats and Orioles both have six games remaining and Baltimore is seven games behind. The Pirates have seven games left and are 6.5 games back. Only if the Nats win their remaining six and Pittsburgh loses its remaining seven could they tie with the Nats.

Although the Nats improved to .391 (27-42) under interim manager Jim Riggleman, their solid .299 (26-61) start under Manny Acta was enough to keep it out of reach for all the other teams.

Riggleman, a graduate of Rockville’s Richard Montgomery High School, alma mater of Suckafish, has earned a contract as the full-time manager.

After Monday’s games, the standings:
The Bryce Harper Sweepstakes Race
Team     Record              GB     STRK  To Reach 59-103
Nats     53-103    .340        –          W1         6-0     1.000
Pitts      59-96      .381       6.5       W2          0-7      .000
Orioles 60-96   .385        7          L11 Eliminated

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Nats Reach a Double-Triple With 100th Loss

Posted by KilgoreTroutIII

For the second straight year the Natinals have lost more than 100 games, reaching the 100 mark Thursday and 101 Friday night to move within one of last year’s 102. They are only the fourth team in 25 years to accomplish the double-triple.

But have heart, struggling Nats fans. The Devil Rays lost 100 in 2001 and 106 in 2002. Six years later, after coming to Jesus and renaming themselves the Rays, they made it to the World Series in 2008. And the Tigers lost 225 games in 2002-03, but turned in a 95-67 record three years later. On the other hand, the 2004-05 Royals lost 210 games and only improved to 75-87 three years later. And so far this year they’re 63-91 with a chance to reach 99 losses.

After the signing of Stephen Strasburg, the best pitching prospect in a generation, and the probability of next year’s signing of Bryce Harper, possibly the best-ever-position-player draftee, the Nats have great hopes.

See my Top 5 Reasons for Nats Fans to be Optimistic.

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Nats Edge Closer to Bryce Harper Signing

Posted by KilgoreTroutIII

The Pirates and Orioles are turning in Herculean efforts to catch the Nats in the Bryce Harper Sweepstakes, but it’s almost impossible now. After losing six in a row, the Pirates won Friday. The Orioles have lost an impressive eight straight, but even if they lost their remaining nine for a 17-game losing streak, the Nats would have to go 8-1 for the O’s to tie it. Pittsburgh’s win put them back to 5.5 behind with 10 games to go, meaning they would have to lose seven to tie an 8-1 Nats finish.

Cleveland and Kansas City have been eliminated. If they both lost every game and the Nats won all nine, they still couldn’t catch Washington. The Indians did all they could, too, going 1-9 in their last 10, but it wasn’t enough. And even with their current three-game losing streak, the Royals, who were once in second place, have fallen 11.5 games back with eight to go.

After Friday’s games, the standings:

The Bryce Harper Sweepstakes Race
Team     Record              GB   STRK    To Reach 60-102

Nats      52-101    .340        –         L2           8-1       .889
Pitts      57-95      .375       5.5       W1         3-7        .300
O’s        60-93      .392        8          L8         0-9        .000

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Nats Cruisin’ to Sweepstakes Win

Posted by KilgoreTroutIII

As unlikely as it sounds, if the Nats were to go 9-4 the rest of the way, it would still be awfully hard for any team to catch them. The Pirates would still have to lose 10 of 14, the O’s would have to lose their last 12 giving them a 17 game losing streak, Cleveland — who has snuck into fourth place with eight straight losses — would still have to lose 14 of the next 13, and Kansas City — after falling from second to fifth place in less than two weeks — would have to lose 14 of 12.

After Monday’s games, the standings:

The Bryce Harper Sweepstakes Race
Team     Record              GB   STRK    To Reach 60-102

Nats      51-98    .342        –         L2         9-4         .692
Pitts      56-92   .378       5.5        L3         4-10       .286
O’s        60-90   .400      8.5        L5         0-12       .000
Clev       61-88   .409     10          L8      L14/13     (.067)
KC         62-88   .413      10.5      W2     L14/12     (.143)

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